Computer Rants

For the record, your computer isn't running Microsoft. It doesn't have Microsoft installed, and I will not upgrade your computer to Microsoft 2000. Why not? Because your computer does not have enough space for tens of thousands of employees and numerous coporate parks. Microsoft is the company. Windows is the product. If I ask you to specify, that's for two reasons: a.) you're not too stupid to be able to understand the difference between a company and a product, and b.) by saying "Microsoft 2000," you could be referring to Windows, Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Access, Publisher, or Frontpage.

And while we're at it, the screen on your desk is a monitor. The box that everything else gets plugged into is the computer. It's not your modem, and it's not your hard drive. "Password" is not a good password, and neither is the name of your dog/cat/child/significant other/birthday. Your brain isn't full yet; you can fit eight more random characters per password (I use eight different passwords, all but one of which were randomly generated).

Don't get a job in an office if you are afraid of computers.

When the power goes out at the office, the electric company does not call me to tell me why the power went out, and when it will be back on. Stop asking me.

Microsoft is not going to give you $200 for every person you forward this email to. The poor fellow in Nigeria is not going to give you twenty percent of his/her riches just for laundering the money into the U.S. The latest virus does have a known cure, and Intel and AOL did not report on it.

"Pink Comic Sans" is not a good font choice for your e-mail signature at work. If your computer gives you an error message that tells you to contact your system administrator, it might be helpful if you can tell the system administrator what else was in the message. If I don't know what the message said, why would you expect me to be able to fix the problem?

Don't give me that look. If Windows is frozen, you have to reboot. There is no magic key sequence that will "unfreeze" your computer.

joe, September 26, 2002 10:30 AM (www.joestoner.com)